


Sex, Lies, and Videotape

by universe



Category: Battlestar Galactica (2003)
Genre: Crack, F/M, POV Multiple, Porn Battle, Sex Tape
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-06-28
Updated: 2009-06-28
Packaged: 2017-10-10 11:24:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,144
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/99218
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/universe/pseuds/universe
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><i>You made a sex tape?</i> The rumour mill is working overtime.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sex, Lies, and Videotape

**Author's Note:**

> For the second BSG Pornbattle at livejournal, for the prompts _I was frakking the President_, _on the floor, couch, rack, desk, up against the bulkhead in the same session_ and _my dad made a sex tape with the President?_.

"You were _what_?", Saul exclaimed.

"I was frakking the President", Bill answered through clenched teeth. "Don't make me say it again, Saul."

"And you made a sex tape?" The disbelief was evident in the Colonel's voice, but Bill nodded his head.

"And now that tape is gone?"

"Yes."

Saul had the decency not to laugh out loud, but he could not choke down a chuckle that earned him a glare from Bill.

"What... erm... _kind_ of sex tape are we talking here?"

"What do you mean, 'what kind of tape'? It shows us having sex!"

"Cut the crap, you know what I'm talking about. Remember that night we got so drunk we ended up spilling all our secrets?"

Bill merely grunted in response. Remember he did, even though he wished he could just forget everything about that night.

"You even told me about the kind of sex you and Carolanne had. And that would not be worth a sex tape. So if that's the kind of sex we're talking about, you don't have to worry."

"If I tell you, do you promise not to tell anyone about it?"

"Of course, Bill! You're my best friend! You know you can trust me."

Bill sighed.

"Alright. We were sitting on the couch, when—"

"The couch? See, that's not so bad!", Saul interrupted.

"Well, it _started_ on the couch..."

Saul swallowed, looking as if he was afraid to even ask.

"Was there more than one location?"

"There were five", Bill admitted under his breath.

"Five, my ass! I need a drink..."

~ ~ ~

"She jumped him right after dinner, just started undressing him on the couch and—"

"The couch?", Ellen all but yelled before gulping down another glass of ambrosia. "But that thing is so uncomfortable!"

"I know. And so does the President. She kept sinking into the cushions and then demanded a... change of location."

At that, Ellen raised her eyebrows.

"Listen, you can't tell anyone about this. I promised Bill nobody would find out."

"Oh Saul, of course I won't tell anyone!"

He looked at her suspiciously for a moment, but then continued his report.

"He picked her up and carried her to the desk then."

"The _desk_?!", came Ellen's screeching remark.

~ ~ ~

"Are you honestly telling me that the President slept with the Commander?"

"Doctor Baltar, I doubt they were _sleeping_ at any point during their extended... meeting."

"Oh really?"

Baltar had never actively participated in gossip before, but this story was just too good to miss out on.

"And was she any good?"

"Oh, Bill certainly told Saul she was", Ellen said. "So good that he almost forgot to lock the hatch! She was sitting on the desk and he had his hands on her breasts. And apparently, there was a lot of groping in more... interesting areas, too."

Baltar grinned his trademark, slightly manic grin as Ellen continued.

"That was when the moaning started, too. And then our prim and proper little schoolteacher suddenly remembered that the hatch was still open, so she pushed him away to lock it."

~ ~ ~

"But from what the lovely Mrs. Tigh tells me, the Commander could not control himself long enough for the President to return to the desk, so he simply pushed her up against the bulkhead as soon as she had secured the hatch", Baltar told Felix Gaeta whom he'd developed something akin to a friendship with.

"He undressed her right there and then, down to her underwear, but made no move to take off any of his own clothes. He started touching her instead. He reached into her underwear and... well, I'm sure you know the details of that particular activity."

Gaeta nodded and swallowed. He hadn't heard gossip this good in months, maybe even years. He was already planning who to share it with first. _Dee_, he thought, _I'll have to tell Dee_. Baltar interrupted his musings.

"It seems our dear Madam President enjoys being touched down there very much. More than most women, from what I've heard. She practically came right there and then!"

Felix' eyes grew large.

"The Commander then let her down and together, they landed on the floor..."

~ ~ ~

"...where they continued their marathon. But now they finally got undressed. President Roslin must be one hell of a turn on if the Commander can't even get his uniform off. Rumour has it the clothes were being thrown all over the room."

Dee giggled at that. She was glad the Old Man and the President had finally found a few precious moments of happiness.

"And then she pushed him down and straddled him, but after five minutes, he complained about his back hurting. He said 'I'm too old for this', and she just laughed and helped him up."

"And you say there was some kind of tape involved?"

"Yes. Apparently, they made a sex tape of their session."

Dee shook her head.

"I think the rumour mill might be wrong there, Felix. Nobody has found that tape. And I can't imagine either of them doing that. I mean, the Commander would _never_..."

"He did! He was the one who suggested it! And he had to talk _her_ into it, by promising they'd do it in the observation deck after a candlelight dinner some time next week."

"Eww!", Dee groaned in disgust. Happiness was one thing; not only catching your parents frakking, but also knowing exactly how, where and when they did it was quiet another.

"Stop it, Felix. That is a lie, we both know it."

Gaeta just shrugged.

"Whatever you say, Dee."

~ ~ ~

"And then they made love on his rack", Dee dreamily told the entire ward room filled with Viper and Raptor pilots.

Hotdog raised his voice to add:

"That's not what I heard. As far I know, the Commander took Roslin pretty rough."

Another pilot joined in.

"Yeah, and in the end, he was so keyed up that he told her to get herself off because he couldn't hold on any longer!"

Hotdog even knew about the sex tape, and he was more than willing to share:

"And sometimes, they would not even be in sight. You'd just hear their pants and moans, and her screams. Roslin is _very_ vocal in bed."

"A sex tape!", Kara's laugh resounded through the room. "I didn't knew the Old Man still had it in him!"

~ ~ ~

Hours later, Kara was sitting in Joe's Bar, possibly the most deserted place on the ship, for everybody was in their racks already.

When she heard a dull thud and looked around, she spotted Lee stumbling into the bar, obviously drunk. He almost tripped over his own feet as he saw her and tried to walk over to her.

Shock and disgust equally visible on his face, he blurted out "My dad made a sex tape with the President??", and collapsed on the floor.

_Poor Leland_, Kara thought, and laughed.


End file.
